love you Sarah. I love you so much that after two years I am still head over heels in love with you, just from a single LOOK from you. You are my heart’s delight. So let me tell you the story of how I fell in love with you, one more time.
The first time I ever saw you must’ve been back in either late 2018 or 2019, when the poker room was still upstairs. I said “oh, there is a really pretty girl, she’s the prettiest girl in the whole place, and WAY prettier than her rival, that Shana girl.” I thought “yes and she has really lovely legs too, but, as experience has taught me, she’s probably just another dumb hot chick.” So I wasn’t too terribly concerned with you, and assigned you into the “nice things to look at.” category. Then one day for no reason at all I thought “I wonder if she’ll be important to the story later?”
“Hmm… probably not dude. ha”
In any event, I still thought you stood out in a way other pretty girls did not and I thought “I wish she’d sit down at my table so I could catch her name and see her up close. but she never does. I guess I’ll just call her “the girl with the very pretty legs”, or “the legs” for short.” And, smack me if you must, that is what I called you for many years. I’d go up to the casino and say “where she’s at? Where those legs at?” and look for you to see if I could catch a glimpse of the heavenly form God blessed you with, in between hands of course. I only ever visited the casino maybe once every three months, if that, but eventually, when the poker room had moved to its current location, you (not you actually) sat down at a table next to me and I thought “THERE she is, she’s beautiful! Lemme read her nametag while I can.” “Marina”, it said. Wow, that’s a really nice name! That must’ve been in 2020, and again, I wasn’t thinking about you too terribly much, these thoughts constitute the entirety of several years of occasionally seeing you and having made a mental note that you were the prettiest girl in the room.
Then in the summer of 2021, out of nowhere, you sat down right next to me. And I thought “ah there sh…. OMG! HER FACE! SHE’S INDESCRIBABLY BEAUTIFUL! Those are the most amazingly beautiful eyes I have EVER seen!” “But she’s been working here for years, WHAT is she still doing here!? Someone easily should’ve scooped her up by now.”
At this point, as you know, I’m about 2 feet away from you and staring straight into your eyes. I don’t know what I wanted to happen, I was like 350 lbs at the time (at my rock bottom worst physically), getting ready to quit my job to go camping for 4 or 5 months and in no place to date. I don’t know if I was hoping you’d look back at me and smile or what, but you didn’t do anything, I guess she’s not interested, I thought. But that didn’t matter to me, I couldn’t take my eyes off you, your eyes were just so BEAUTIFUL. And the light in them, and the way you moved, I could tell you were not just “some dumb hot chick” No, there was somebody home, somebody very intelligent, but also kind of shy, or maybe not shy but reserved. Something was holding you back as if you wanted to shrink from my gaze, not as if you were uncomfortable, but as if there was a wall there. I took that wall to mean “I’m out of his league.” And you were, if you didn’t know who I was. As time passed all these thoughts kind of went away, you never looked at me once and I thought if I was making you uncomfortable you would have flashed an angry look at me to tell me to chill out, or if you liked it, the opposite. But you didn’t do anything, you just kept dealing. So I thought, well, she’s letting me admire her, and I just can’t take my eyes off her so I’m going to keep admiring her. And that’s what I did, for an entire hour, then you got up and left. I never once remember hearing you speak. But I do remember after you got up I thought “I wonder what it would be like to be married to her and get to look into those eyes all the time?”
In the days that followed I thought about you, I thought “I’d really love to go back up to the casino and chase that girl, but that’s not going to get her attention, then I’d be just like every other sucker who goes up there and loses all their money trying to talk to her. I bet a million guys come through there and every single one of them hits on her, what would I do to stand out? Tell her I’m a Horseman of the Apocalypse? Ha, yea right. If she didn’t think I was crazy or a religious zealot or a nutcase I still wouldn’t want her to like me for that reason anyway. Well, she wasn’t interested so… best to forget her.” And that is what I did. I forgot all about you, quit my job, left Marion and went on my grand adventure into the woods. While I was out camping I do remember hearing Ed Sheeran’s song Shivers come on the radio plenty of times, and I didn’t think much of it. But at one point while I was driving on a dirt road to one of my favorite campsites it came on and for a second I was like ‘Hey, this couldn’t be based on that night I had with Marina could it??” “No way, couldn’t be.” and I kept driving.
I didn’t think about you again for nearly two years. I went back up to the casino in September of 2022. I brought my king crown and only had $200 and the plan was to play tight and sit there all day to have some fun. Within the first 10 minutes I got pocket kings. Ah! This is a sign! I thought. I’ve got the crown AND pocket kings, I can’t lose! I was UTG and someone had straddled, so I limped in hoping for lots of calls and that someone else would later raise, then I would get a chance to re-raise and I’d come back over the top and take down a healthy pot. And that is exactly what happened, someone else raised $25…. then I raised $75…. then, uh oh, THEY reraised all in. Shit, do they have Aces? AK?? QQ? Idk, but I’ve got the crown and I’m not folding my kings, so I called. And sure enough they had pocket Aces and felted me. So after 10 minutes of play, I lost $200 and left, cursing God like WTF Lord? How could you do that to me with the crown and everything and all the misfortune I’ve been through??? (later it would make sense why He wanted me out of there, the time was not yet right.) So I left, and didn’t come back until….
In the summer of 2023 I decided to go back up to the casino for the 4th of July. I got there on the 2nd I think and camped out overnight. I was playing well on July 3rd and around 5pm decided I was going to stay one more day so I left and got a campsite again, then went back and kept playing. Thank God I stayed one more night! That night, while laying in my hammock, for whatever reason, I decided to take a poem I had written for Ashley and rededicate it to Heather. It was a really beautiful poem and it bothered me immensely that it had been written for that vomitous witch, so I rewrote it and posted it to my phone.
How do I tell her I love her, I love her
I can’t go without her another
minute or hour
she’s my sunshine, rain and showers
from her footsteps grow the flowers
oh how I love her, her and no other
the sun and the stars and the moon that we’re under
grow pale in the light of her beauty and wonder
I wonder if ever an Angel did send her
from Heaven, for Heather, its ended forever
Ashley banished, Heather lifted up, mission accomplished, and I went to bed. The next day I went back up to the poker room and kept grinding. People had been bothering me all day making little comments referencing my fame and finally I just lost it and said ‘Stop it Goddamit. This happens to me everywhere I go, please, I just want to play some cards.” And that shut everybody up which was nice. As the day wore on at some point I noticed a girl in my peripheral vision, seemingly very upset. Crossing her arms, stamping her feet, and looking at me. I was WAY behind in the story at this point so I didn’t think much of it until one of the pit bosses came over and spoke into the air “you need to give THAT card to the dealer.” He was talking about my poem of course, but I didn’t figure that out till later. The girl moved off and I kept playing poker barely aware that it had happened. I thought “no I swore never to get married after what happened with Ashley, that means I’m not dating either, I’m off the market, sorry girl.” And I thought about her no more. Maybe a half an hour after that I got pocket 7s and flopped a set, and I made a big bet, and to my surprise I began shaking uncontrollably. I NEVER shake, no matter how big the hand, so what the hell was happening here? IDK but my best guess is somewhere deep in my subconscious she had cracked into my heart and brain and I had yet to realize it. As the day went on I kept playing poker, thinking little of the beautiful dealer and more about the swarms of people all around me who were ALL talking about me or trying to mess with me in one way or another, and they were a big distraction. As day turned to night I noticed everybody saying things like “if the dealer wins, if the dealer wins.” and I thought what could this mean??? “AHA!” I thought. “I know! They’re CHEATING!!!!! They’re stacking the deck and if the dealer cuts it in the exact right place the deal will set someone up for a huge bad beat and a huge win for someone else! Hence “the dealer wins”” So I started watching things real carefully. I was looking at the eye in the sky, the shuffler, and watching carefully as the dealer cut the deck and that is when I figured it out! I figured out how they’re cheating (which you can read elsewhere). Then came a hand where I flopped a 4 flush and was now on a flush draw. When the river came, I missed my flush, and when the card hit, half the room erupted in laughter!!!! They knew I had figured out they were cheating, and they all got fed information that I was on a flush draw and was gunna miss and burst out laughing when I did. I stormed outta there never to return!!!!! Pimps, Cheats and Crooks I called them!! OOOOOOOO I was hot! If the dealer wins!!! Those sons a bitches! They’ll never see me again! As I left I looked around the room and saw, very far away, a sad, defeated looking girl turning her head to the side with her arms crossed and an upset look on her face, and I walked out never to return. That was on the 4th of July, a Tuesday.
On Wednesday I went to Mr. Lu’s chinese food and saw a guy with a bruised face and a black eye. “Ha, he must’ve been at the casino and a fight must’ve broken out when they all learned the entire place was being cheated after reading my blog post.” That night I started thinking about Marina (Sarah) a little, and I got a little bit of an ego boost after realizing she had gotten into my line of sight on purpose and put on a show with her body language to let me know she liked me, but why was she so upset with me? Because I’d forgotten about her? I told my mom about “the dealer I thought was cute and what she did” then I went up to my room and started listening to “Heart Attack” by Demi Lovato over and over again. And then I started listening to Shivers and that is when I knew…. “Oh God. I’m in trouble!” I was putting the pieces together and falling for her very fast. Then I realized, the poem! She must be upset because I said I would never love anyone but Heather “You need to give that card to the dealer…” And it had been TWO YEARS since I had been up there admiring her. She’s been waiting for me to come back up there for TWO YEAR!!!!???? OMG! She’s in love with me!!! OMG!!! The Bible! The Wedding of the Lamb! But the Bride comes last, isn’t that a literalcity that is coming down out of Heaven after the thousand years?? That’s what I thought. And I’m not the Lamb, that is Jesus right? OMG! I AM the Lamb! and the whole book is out of order in other places too, just because the bride comes in the last chapter doesn’t mean it is after the 1000 years. My brain was figuring out the puzzle but what was going on in my heart was this:”omg, she’s in love with me” “omg! I’m falling so in love with her!”
By Thursday I was in a really panicky state, Everything was hitting me all at once and I had to get out of the spotlight so I drove out to Brevard and went camping in my favorite spot. I chose to go to Brevard I think because it was in the same direction as Cherokee and I wanted to go back to Cherokee immediately, but had to get my mind right first, so I compromised and went in that general direction while I got my mind right. This is when the tears of joy started to come very heavily. I spent a single night in Brevard. While I was sleeping in the middle of the night my hammock inexplicably ripped cleanly in half and I fell into the dirt and slept in the dirt the rest of the night. I went back to Winston on Friday.
On Sunday I decided to go back to Cherokee to find Marina (Sarah). I drove up there in the early afternoon and Marina (the real Marina) sat down at my table almost immediately. I was staring straight at her as she arrived and she was very nervous and super sweet and a very beautiful girl, but not THE beautiful girl I was thinking of. What the hell was going on here? She looked a LOT like the girl I was thinking of but she very clearly had different eyes and was not the same girl and I had never seen two of the same looking people walking around so what the hell was going on here? I left very confused, and very in love, and very nervous, and began writing love letter after love letter after love letter, for two years. Eventually I figured out your name was Sarah from the FBI and the Radio, and that mixing you up with Marina and making Marina famous at the time I did is perhaps the happiest and most fortunate mistake I have EVER made, if you can figure out why. That was two years ago Sarah, and I’ve been in love with you ever since, and will be forevermore. It is not a happy 2 year anniversary honey, in fact it is very unhappy, very sick, very cruel, and very evil. But someday we will be together AT LAST, and I will love you like there is no tomorrow. I love you Sarah!
-Robbie
Robbie and Sarah
How do I tell her I love her, I love her
I can’t go without her another
minute or hour
she’s my sunshine, rain and showers
from her footsteps grow the flowers
oh how I love her, her and no other
the sun and the stars and the moon that we’re under
grow pale in the light of her beauty and wonder
I wonder if ever an Angel did send her
from Heaven, for her, I surrender forever